I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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