I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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