im drinking this country out of the recession.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have post one night stand depression
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