I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
