wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
