Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
