Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She swung at the pinata with crutches
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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