checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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