How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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