I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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