Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
