I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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