Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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