well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
