I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
