Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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