Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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