Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
