grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
