She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
