I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
