Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
