So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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