I am puke
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
