Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
This house was built for laser tag.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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