Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
