i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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