some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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