i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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