I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
