I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
