She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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