I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
