We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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