I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
