foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize