So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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