i love accidental penises.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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