My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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