Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
