OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
