I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
