pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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