would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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