we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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