Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize