i love accidental penises.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
