Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You're like the curious george of whores
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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