went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
