That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
