woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
