I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Your cock deserves a montage
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
