they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
