I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
