Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
