fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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