I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She's the barista slut.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize