I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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