I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
