Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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