Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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