He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
