we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
